FAMILY: EQUAL OR DIFFERENT?

Rubric “PSYCHOLOGY OF EMOTIONS” by Diego Ingrassia – “FAMILY: EQUAL OR DIFFERENT?”
for CONTEMPORARY PSYCHOLOGY – FAMILY – n. 260, March-April 2017 – GIUNTI EDITORE

“He is the man/woman of my life!”. This phrase resonates in us loud and clear when we think we have found someone special and who makes us feel good. Being together is not easy, as it involves mutual trust and commitment, which cannot always be matched appropriately. Analysing individual characteristics, according to the Jungian model there are basically 4 behavioural types, or ‘styles’, that characterise each of us:

1. A first type describes those individuals who appear scrupulous, analytical and reserved; they often keep their distance in relationships, assume a rigid posture, speak in a slow manner and take long reflective pauses before expressing a concept.

Another type describes those individuals who appear scrupulous, analytical and reserved.

2. Another type describes those individuals who appear self-confident, direct and determined in their manner, characterised by a formal posture, a high and clear tone of voice and a propensity to achieve goals.
3. The third category involves those sociable individuals, often characterised by optimism and enthusiasm in all activities, who speak quickly and animatedly, in a particularly expressive manner, and seek physical contact and closeness with others.

The last type involves those individuals who appear confident, direct and determined in their manner, characterised by a high and clear tone of voice and a propensity to achieve goals.

4. The last type is characterised by those individuals who appear meek and welcoming, gradually seek physical contact and are very receptive to listening, with a soft tone of voice that instils tranquillity.

In couples, these different behavioural styles can be easily manifested and recognised. It often happens that couples belong to opposite behavioural types. In such cases, one unconsciously seeks in one’s partner the characteristics that represent our areas for improvement. This joint balance will help the couple to cope and manage critical moments in life.
What one partner lacks often abounds in the other, forming a perfect ‘homeostasis’ that fulfils and conveys security to both. These four behavioural macro-types condition the relationship and the initial attraction between the partners, but in the long run what most influences the relationship are the motivations and deep individual values that characterise them:

• “I love sharing tenderness and talking about everything with my partner, we are really good together… although… gosh… he is really strict: never does he do some little crazy thing just for the sake of surprising me!“.
• “My partner is always loving and helpful. She supports me and believes in me… although… she is an incredible spender, throwing money away on useless nonsense“.

According to Eduard Spranger (1934) there are six value categories that motivate people’s actions:

• the search for harmony and pleasure, as in the case of the wife in the first example;
• the moving only if concrete benefits are obtained, as represented by the husband in the second example;
• the need for knowledge and deepening;
• the need to emerge and differentiate oneself;
• the desire to help others and support them;
• the need for rules and a coherent structure;

The qualities we notice in the other person are often values that we also share. They are learnt early in the family environment and can change over time. What our partner expresses that can often irritate or annoy us may relate to value characteristics that are distant from us.

Carlo and Anna have been together for twelve years. Their love has never suffered from any crisis. She is determined and goal-oriented, with a strong desire to emerge in the professional and social spheres. She would prefer her husband to grow professionally. He, calm and gentle in manner, directs his attention constructively and in support of the other. He finds his wife too career-oriented. .
They decide to have a child and from the outset she declares that the new arrival must not hinder her professional career and restrict her freedom too much. The husband on the surface seems to agree, but inwardly harbours the idea that, once she becomes a mother, his partner’s maternal instincts will override everything.
Following the birth, the motivational differences of the two partners show themselves with greater intensity, leading the couple to quarrel frequently: he, seen by her as unambitious and too accommodating, she, in his eyes, too selfish and superficial.
A few months later, the couple is in crisis and they start talking about divorce. Questioned by friends, he says incredulously and angrily: ‘She has changed! She didn’t used to be like this! I no longer recognise her’..

In reality, the core values of both of them were going in different directions from the beginning, but these became apparent in difficult times. Could this have been foreseen?
The core values described can emerge, creating alliances and conflicts, even between parents and children.
Significant is the situation in which the continuation of a family business finds the two generations in conflict due to divergent motivations. For example, the father wants to leave the family business to his son and the son wants to become a doctor because of his high social motivation.

As described above, relationships are pleasant but also very complex, even more so within the family.
We have ‘natural’ tools at our disposal, such as listening, open dialogue and understanding, which enable us to overcome differences and move beyond motivational differences.
There are also methodologies based on the analysis of communication that help us to distinguish which behavioural and motivational preferences move people dissimilarly, in order to discover each other’s desires.
Such differences can be discovered through a specific analysis of our interlocutor’s lexical choices.
Our objective will be to acquire a greater awareness of the other’s reference value system in order to choose the type of message to be conveyed.